I've been fighting suicidal ideation, thoughts, behavior for 20 yrs & I don't think I have any fight left. ?

Unfortunately it is very possible to be this miserable, but it doesn't make you a freak to struggle this way. I am not in any place to share wise words, but I know who can... check out 1 Corinthians 10:13 and Psalm 147:3. Also, there are a lot of online support groups for people like you and I who struggle against ourselves... To Write Love On Her Arms is one of my favorites. I am sorry to hear that you hurt so badly, but please don't give up. The struggle is worth the outcome, take it from someone who knows.